‘The Santa Clause’ Recap: This Is Darker Than I Remember Betches

Hello fellow Christmas movie devotees! I am sincerely so excited to recap The Santa Clause for you today. The Santa Clause is the best Christmas movie of all time, and I can definitively say that now that I’ve finally verified Die Hard and is confirmation without an issue that that is not a Christmas movie. Don’t@ me. Anyway, you all seemed to like the recap of The Princess Switch , so we’re back at it with this one! I hope you all enjoy this summary as much as I enjoy this film and as far as is Scott Calvin enjoys the cookie dispenser in his sleigh. Let’s begin!

We start out at Scott Calvin’s office Christmas party, where they are celebrating the success of the Do-It-All-For-You Dolly. Excuse me? What exactly does Dolly do for you, Scott?

Andy Dufresne

This party appears to be catered, so it’s already 1000% nicer that the “party” my agency hurls every year, where I can help myself to a Solo cup of kosher wine-coloured and watch rich people fight over who gets the airpods during the white elephant. This party lets us know right off the bat that Scotty is a real jerk, since he immediately interrupts his female peer. TBH this could be set in 2018.

Scott leaves the party and is late to convene his son and ex-wife for the Christmas Eve drop off. Scott’s son, Charlie, is doubtful Santa exists, because his stepdad Neil told him that there was no Santa. A+ parenting, Neil. What kind of an asshole tells a kid that Santa is a “state of mind”? That sounds like the type of sh* t an Instagram influencer would say. My parents still haven’t “ve told me” Santa isn’t real, which I sincerely appreciate. And formerly my cousin Marisa “ve told me” Santa wasn’t real and I laughed it off, told her that was impossible, and have not respected her since. As it should be.

Charlie actually doesn’t want to stay at his dad’s tonight and tells his mommy to pick him up: “We’re talking sunup, you’re here? ”

Me rn :

Charlie

Scott starts a flame while trying cook a turkey( same ), so they end up at Denny’s. We’re about five minutes in, and Scott has already insulted Neil in about 100 different ways. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

They get back to the house and Scott speaks Charlie The Night Before Christmas. Charlie starts requesting logistical questions about Santa and everyone knows you don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to, Charlie! Just shut up and go to sleep! Tomorrow you get free stuff!

Charlie wakes up in the midst of the nighttime and hears something on the roof and goes to wake up his papa. This is not good, Charlie , not good. This is how every assassination movie starts. Scott goes outside in his boxers, frightens the daylights out of Santa, who falls off the roof! They should make those boots with better treads, am I right? Scott takes a card out of SC’s pocket, exposing what he should do next.

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Then the body of Santa LITERALLY DISAPPEARS and Scott is most concerned that the man is running around naked somewhere. Lol that’d be merely another Tuesday night in New York City, crony. Likewise, is anyone else concerned about the fact that Charlie is not scarred over the facts of the case his daddy simply murdered Santa ?? Sociopath much, Chuck?

Charlie and Scott go up to the roof using the mysterious ladder that only seemed (?) and get into Santa’s sleigh. Sure, why not. The reindeer take that as their cue to GTFO and they wing their crazy selves and the Calvins to some richie rich’s mansion. I forgot how heavily featured Tim Allen’s thighs were in this film. I don’t detest it.

Scott doesn’t want to put on Santa’s suit and go down a chimney, but Charlie uses the oldest trick in the book and guilts him into it. That kid is annoying af, but boy, is he a master of manipulation. I tip my hat to you, young sir.

This is a niceeeee house. Now’s your chance to change the meaning of Christmas, Scott. Santa grabs what he was able to carry and makes a run for your lives! A tale we’ll tell your children for years to come! But instead of making out with the very best china, Scott sets off the alarm and a very aggressive Pitbull, but manages to escape with his life. When the reindeer pilot to the next house, Scott recognise the types of long night he’s looking at. Man, I remember staying up all night staring down the barrel of an 11 -page essay I hadn’t started; I can only imagine the horror that must set in when you realise you have to visit ALL THE HOUSES IN THE WORLD. Because let’s be real, even the people I know that aren’t Christian generally celebrate. I Watch YOU.

In the second house, Scott starts threatening a child, and I feel like that induces sense. It’s hard to be magnanimous when you’re in ill-fitting clothes.

Neil

At some degree in the evening there is a precious yellow lab puppy that appears and it better be coming to my house. I’m in love like I never have been before. I’ve got a dog bed with your call on it, Bosco.

After making all their bringings, the reindeer lower Scott and Charlie off at “the worlds largest” magical gazing snow heaven. A precious little elf lowers them into the factory. Inside there are reindeer that are most definitely not wearing fake antlers, giant candy canes, and lots of toys.

Me :

psychiatrist

They are greeted by the grumpiest motherf* cker in the North pole, Bernard, and I can understand why he would be so hostile since he basically has to do all the work for Santa but get none of the glorification. Middle management suctions. Charlie and Bernard hit it off because they’re both whiney little b* tches, and I’m happy they each have a friend now since they ain’t never gonna find another one. Bernard devotes Charlie a snowfall globe that will, SPOILER ALERT, factor into the narrative later.

It’s at this notes that Bernard explains the Santa “Clause” that says that because Scott put on the dres, he is now Santa Claus. If only other jobs run like that, like Victoria’s Secret Angel wings. The regions I could go in this life. Also. Can we take a moment to talk about this little play on words here? Because how is a small child to know that this title was not, in fact, the correct spelling of Santa Claus, and that she shouldn’t sorcery Santa Claus with an e deep into her 20 ’s until person eventually giggles at her and the disgrace she feels is unbearable? HOW SHOULD SHE KNOW ??

Scott refuses to accept that he is Santa, and Bernard, being the d* ck he is, calls at him that he better get used to it. A lovely elf identified Judy evidences him to his room and I want to live in it so badly I’ve already began researching ways to kill Santa Claus this year. FBI, if you’re learn this, that was just a joke!( It was not a joke .) There is also a weird interaction here where Scott accidentally hits on small children elf who uncovers she’s over 1,200 years old. I’m sorry if your boss stimulated you uncomfortable, Judy. I’d love to tell you it’s a courageou new world out here in 2018, but I’d be lying. Maybe in another 1,200 times!

Scott goes to sleep and Charlie wakes him up on Christmas morning with a lovely physical assault. This kid is the worst. Scott is still wearing those baller monogrammed jammies that he got at the North Pole and he’s got a real bad feeling. Okay I have a major problem with this scene. It’s Christmas morning, why is Charlie already in jeans? Jeans are not leisurewear. I’m not even changing out of my PJ’s at all between Christmas and New Years–not even when I have to go to work–and this kid puts on jeans first thing Christmas morning? I’m calling the officers.

Charlie’s mom comes to pick him up and he’s already spilling all the deets about last night. BE COOL, CHARLIE. The first rule of fighting association: You do not talk about fight fraternity. Scott is still convinced it was a reverie or some sort of psychotic episode( I suppose ).

Okay all of a sudden it’s job period at academy and Charlie announced today his father is Santa Claus. God, Charlie! The second rule of contend association: You do not talk about fight fraternity. How many rules is this kid going to break ?!

Naturally Charlie’s mom Laura and that deigning bowl of entire wheat spaghetti that she’s with, Neil, are concerned about Charlie’s mental health. Scott takes Charlie on an outing to persuade him that he’s not actually Santa and it seems his efforts may be in vain because they are being followed by a line of reindeer. I detest when that happens.

Neil starts questioning Charlie tough questions about Santa and Charlie tells him, “just because you haven’t encountered something doesn’t signify it doesn’t exist.” Coincidentally, that’s likewise the line I use when people ask questions why I didn’t delivering a boyfriend to yet another family occurrence.

Okay one day Scott wakes up and he has grown a beard and gained a ton of weight. He has nothing to wear and runs into work late and wearing a sweatsuit. It’s sad and pathetic and precisely the attire I want to wear to work every day.

Andy Dufresne

Scott’s coworkers concerned about his weight and I think it’s really rude to bring up someone’s meat issues at the role, OKAY SUSAN? Scott goes to the doctor and aside from the fact that he’s gained 45 pounds all in the paunch in a WEEK, he seems perfectly healthy. But he does tell the doctor he’s been eating a diet of milk and cookies, and doesn’t he know that it’s ever in your best interest to lie to the doctor? That’s why I ever only check off the box that says “social drinker.” They can’t stimulate you change what they don’t know about!

I’m not sure the timeline we’re on here now, but Scott’s at Charlie’s soccer game seeming an horrid plenty like Santa, and the children are lining up to sit on his lap and list their Christmas present requires. Just a tip here Scotty, maybe ditch the blood-red hoodie for a grey-headed one ?? Laura and Neil are once again not pleased and threatening Scott with taking away Charlie.

Laura and Neil take Charlie to see a psychiatrist and talking here when they stopped believes in Santa. Neil reveals that he stopped belief after they had been THREE because he did not get an Oscar Mayer weenie whistle. WOW. I don’t envisage I was even conscious of being alive at age three, let alone capable of not believes in Santa. As our President would say, SAD!

Time is moving fast now and we’re getting closer to Christmas so naturally the Grinch Neil gets Scott’s parental rights taken away, and damn, this is darker than I remember. Scott goes to see Charlie at his house, and I swear even though Charlie is the most riling kid on Earth, I feel bad that his mothers are gaslighting him. He’s too young to know that’s the oldest trick in the book.

Okay so time moved really fast and it’s actually Christmas eve. Laura and Neil report Scott for kidnapping Charlie( when he goes with him to deliver presents) and the police are officially involved. But Scott ain’t get day for this because he’s have work to do.

Charlie

This year’s sleigh has get some upgrades, most notably a cookie and chocolate dispenser. Hi Honda, pls will be incorporated into next year’s Civic model. K, thanks!

Okay so these two morons decides that they’re going to go to Laura and Neil’s house to deliver presents. HI HELLO IDIOT SANTA AND YOUR DUMDUM SPAWN! You only kidnapped their kid! You’re gonna go back to the scene of the misdemeanour? Do you think this is the direction the Golden State Killer sidestepped capture for decades? NO! Get the inferno outta there.

Naturally Santa Scott gets arrested, so it’s time to deploy E.L.F.S ., elves with posture! My favorite part of the movie. Just because we are small does not mean we aren’t mighty! Pop Quiz: would you guys prefer piloting via reindeer and sleigh, or by plane jam-pack? For me it’s a toss-up, but I suppose the cookie dispenser sets me firmly in sleigh province.

The elves with stance tie up the policeman and salvage Santa Scott applying tinsel! Is tinsel officially the most underrated prison escape tool of all time? If only Andy Dufresne knew about it!

After the prison shatter, Charlie returns home to tell his mom and Neil that he’s fine. Neil is wearing another heinous sweater. Santa Scott tells Charlie that he has to stay home while he gives presents. Damn, prison changed him.

All of a sudden Laura am of the opinion that Scott is Santa, and so does Neil. And it seems “were all” officially onboard with this then! Okay!

Bernard shows up at the house to tell Charlie that any time he wants to see his dad, he just needs to shake his snow globe. Better not declines that thing, butterfingers.

Before Santa pilots off he leaves Neil with that weenie whistle he wanted so badly. I hope that helps you with your trust issues, Neil! Of track, immediately after Santa leaves, Charlie shakes the snow globe like the annoying son of a b* tch he’s always the case. Your privileges are rescinded, Charlie. Scott comes back of course, and takes the kiddo for a go to deliver presents, booze chocolate, and talking here how Neil’s chief comes to a point. And they hover off into the night!

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The end! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good nighttime. And when I wake up, I’m get a CAT scan!

Images: Giphy ( 8)

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